My Mom

She lied in her facebook status. To be honest, some days she does forget you.

But it wasn't all a lie. She does hope you are proud of her. You were the most amazing woman in the world. Endlessly patient, kind, understanding and beautiful. You raised her like your own daughter for 13 years. She only wishes she could have had more time with you. Wishes you could have listened to her singing in provincials. Applauded her after every play. Watched her receive her diploma. Sent her encouraging letters during college. Sat in the first row of her wedding. Held her first baby.

You taught her so much, she wishes you could be there to teach her more. Sometimes its so hard to understand why things happen. You should have been here to explain it. You should have been here to hold her hand when she got scared. Gave her hugs and told her how happy you are when she did something brave.

Sometimes when she thinks about you she doesn't want to do anything. It isn't fair that she gets to laugh and play and love and cry when you can't do anything anymore. You never got to be there for three of your children's weddings, but she did. You never got to hold your grandchildren and watch them grow a little more everyday, but she does. You don't get to sleep beside the man you love or take vacations, or feel stressed about all the madness and deception in the world.

I get to feel all these things. And you don't. And it's not fair.

Sometimes I say things, and do things, that I know you wouldn't like. Sometimes I hope you are watching over me everyday. Sometimes that thought scares me.

I think the only thing that could cheer me up is a jar of your cherries and a long game of Uno.

You took care of me everyday till I was ready to go to school. You taught me how to tie my shoes, and ride a bike. You make sure I ate healthy and didn't hurt myself when I played, and even when I did get hurt, you always kissed it better before the bandaid. You were a mom. Not only to your four children, but to Garrett and I as well.

But when I stopped needing you. When I was old enough to go home after school instead of your house, you left. There was no reason. You weren't sick. You weren't old. But you left anyways. I hadn't even visited you in a year. I hadn't gotten to say goodbye.

I love you and miss you so much. I wish you were still here. I wish you never had to leave. That you could kiss this pain and put a bandaid on it. But you can't. Because you died.

But I don't hate you for it. It may even make me love you more.

I hope you are resting in peace. You are the only reason why I have faith that there is somewhere up there, that you go to after life, where you can be happy everyday. I don't hope there is a heaven for myself. I hope there is a heaven for you. Because you were too good a person to just be gone.

Anna-lee Stonehocker. A mother, a friend and a life saver.
Because you loved me, I love you more.