An English assignment or pages of her Diary

Best read while listening to......
I Don't Care- Apocalyptica


I'm not really sure when i changed my mind. For some time now (almost a year!) I have been relatively happy with my current situation. Well, if I were to be honest, I would say I have been extremely happy with my situation. It is only my feelings now that are trying yo change the opinions I had in the past. I loved ____. Yes, yes I did and no matter how much I may wish against it, I did indeed feel that way. Of course, he never stated the same feelings in return but it never really bothered me. Girls are like that; they say everything too quick, they aren't afraid to express themselves and their emotions. I don't know why boys like to keep it all bottled up inside, I think I might explode if I didn't have regular venting sessions with my best friend. But maybe that is why this is all happening? Because I never stopped to question what I was saying or doing. At least, up until now.

I had never before questioned our relationship either. And what reason did I have to in the past anyways? ____ was perfect, and quite frankly I never thought i deserved his affection. I am a boring, nothing person in everything I do and how I attracted the attention of someone as wonderful and intricate as him, I doubt I will ever know. But something happened. As i sat beside ____ in a separate little world we had created together, I could also see people outside of it. And they were, as terrible as it seems, happier than me. I was outraged! I felt feelings of frustration and annoyance that I hadn't felt since I was part of that outside world. Why were they all happier than I was? How could they be? They were alone, they had no significant other, and they had nothing compared to me. I remember when I was them. I remember hating the fact that I had no one to share life with. I felt like I was the only person in the world without a partner. However, once I had achieved what I always wanted, it was no longer good enough. I wanted the freedom that my companion never seemed to allow. When the two of us first began together, we would push away everyone else in our lives to allow more room for each other. But for some reason, I couldn't seem to pull them back now.

And so here I am, in a beautiful relationship with a beautiful man yet at the same time feeling very much alone, and ugly. So as I sit here in this vulnerable state of mind, I can concentrate on nothing. And out of no where, a new boy has come into my life. He is definitely a boy, at least compared to my overly mature ____, and even though this new boy is older than ____ in years, his life seems to be filled with nothing but childlike playfulness and color.

This boy's name is ____, which I think even sounds like a child's name. Everything about him just seems to scream adventure! His friends are exciting, his career choice is unique, and he always seems to surprise me. He also keeps a certain mystery about him, which simply calls me forward with every hint he gives me to his true identity. I want more than anything to be near him and more than a few times I've considered risking my relationship with ____ for one with ____. But one opportunity after another I continually back out of it. When in the situation I can think nothing of caution. However, once alone to my thoughts, I feel overcome with guilt and remorse. I mean, what on Earth do I think I am doing? Everyone, including myself at most times, believes that ____ and I will be together forever, and that we will eventually get married, have a family, and live a very healthy life. But then at other times I wonder; am I going to miss out on something being with only one person my entire life? Am I going to continually miss out on people like ____ and watch my friends walk past with them on their arms rather than myself? Will I always be left feeling jealous? I don't know which to choose anymore. What if ____ really is the only person I am meant for? I might accidentally give that up for a couple of pointless weeks with a boy who has his head too much in the clouds to pay any attention to me. I don't know what to think. I am only __ years old, and here I am making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. The cruelty of the world and its life lessons are becoming too great a struggle for a young woman such as myself.

And I can speak of this to no one, for if I told this story of betrayal to either of the people I trust the most, I would no doubt lose that person forever.

Can't I just have both?

Where Did the Week Go?

Best read while listening to....
Le Disko- Shiny Toy Guns


Once again I find my time being spent on what my psychology instructor would call "unimportant and not urgent tasks" rather than "important and urgent tasks".

I know. What the hell am i talking about right? Well you could ask Mopey... Or I suppose I could take a minute to explain myself (therefore spending more time on non-productive tasks. Take that Kent!)

Alright. So to start off this explanation, you must know that I live in the dorms for university. However, for the past couple weeks I've been living more out of my boyfriend and good buddy's house rather than my own. This seems pointless considering my dorm is payed for and I have not offered to pay my way into their home.

Although you could say that I make up for this by supporting their frequent munchy attacks in the wee hours of the morning...

Regardless! It seems un-orthidox to spend every moment with them. Who needs men to affirm our confidence and success right ladies??!!









...women are weak.